Don’t you think that most people just want to be heard? I mean really heard and understood? We put so much burden on one another by adding a significance we envision to the words that someone else has spoken. Let’s look at an example. A coworker comes up to you and says, “I heard what you said last week.” Where does your mind go? Are you suddenly trying to remember every conversation you had with everyone about the coworker? (If it is, I hope you weren’t trash talking.) Let’s try putting the emphasis on different words:
I HEARD what you said last week.
I heard WHAT you said last week.
I heard what YOU said last week.
I heard what you SAID last week.
Does the emphasis make a difference in your reaction? Sure it does. But with some discipline, you can learn not to react to someone’s pattern of speech because most people are not consciously aware of what words they are emphasizing unless they really are trying to make a point – and that is most often very obvious. Instead, the problem usually arises when we react to what is being said without receiving any feedback. It could be due to our own sense of guilt (were you trash talking your coworker behind his/her back?) or a past experience with the one who is speaking (have you had a major difference of opinion before?).
So diffuse before you have any reaction. As brightly and nonjudgmentally as possible ask “What did you hear?” If you had been gossiping and that is what was heard, own it. Apologize if necessary even if you don’t feel like apologizing. Admit that you should not have been gossiping (or trash talking). Taking responsibility is very disarming because it is so unexpected and can go a long way towards repairing the breach. Maybe what was heard was a compliment. That’s an easy win. If it was a criticism of something, explain why but again not in a judgmental way. Don’t get personal about it – keep it work oriented. And always agree to disagree. Take ownership, explain where necessary, and then refuse to engage any further in defensive posturing.
Take the high road. Most people carry enough pain that we do not need to be adding to their burden. And if the coworker is defensive, and trying to explain their actions, please just listen until they are through. You do not need to interrupt with your opinion because they already have heard that. Now they need validation that you understand them and their why. The same principles apply in all relationships, not just working ones. As a woman, when I am explaining something that is bothering me to my husband, I really do not want him to fix it. I just want him to listen. No need to tell me what I should do or how I should handle things until I ask. And that’s where we miss the boat the most – we want to hand out our advice before being asked.
If you are spending your time in a conversation thinking about how you are going to respond, you really are not listening. Listening is active, not passive. Active listening with feedback – tell me more, how did it make you feel – can really make the other person feel valued, heard, and understood.
“A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver.” Proverbs 25:11 ESV
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