Remember the peanuts character with the dust bowl swirling around him? That’s how your brain is – lots of thoughts just swirling around with no place to go. According to Queen’s University in Canada, it is about 6,000 per day or 6.5 per minute. So,about every 10 seconds your brain is coming up with another thought.
And those thoughts matter. They can inspire us, they can move us, or they can depress us and hold us hostage. And until you become mindful of those swirling thoughts, you won’t even be aware of how they are controlling you.
I will admit, I cannot keep up with 6,000 thoughts a day! But I can become more aware of those thoughts that are holding me hostage. You know, that tape recorder that keeps playing in your head – you aren’t good enough, you aren’t smart enough, you’re not as pretty as, you’ll never amount to much, etc. Most of us have heard some version of those things in our life, and our propensity is to hold on to the negative things that were said about us instead of the positive. Why do we do that? I do not know.
I will use my favorite example. I tell people all the time that I am an introvert. And they just laugh – because you would not know that by observation. When I was much, much younger (8 or 9 years old) I was very gregarious. I was organizing street parades in our neighborhood by the time I was four. And then one day, I accompanied my mother (a businesswoman) to a luncheon at a local restuarant. She was meeting with a supplier and for some reason that day I had to tag along. The music is playing over the radio, and as my mother and the businessman were discussing very important things, I started bebopping in my seat. My mother looked at me very sternly and said, “Can’t you ever sit still?”
The same mother who corrected my English, complimented my grades, told me I could grow up to be anything I wanted, showered me with love, was now expecting me to be still. I took it to heart. And for many, many years I became the wallflower. Never making waves, did not want to be noticed, and certainly never wanted to be the center of attention. From that moment on, I was an introvert. Actually, for the next 25 or 30 years, I was an introvert.
And then I began listening to the tape in my head. And asking self-reflective questions as to why I believed certain things. That moment in the restaurant jumped into the forefront of my consciousness. And the more mature me, explained to the younger me, the intention behind my mother’s words. She was just frustrated in the moment and not at all intending to squash my enthusiasm. It took me awhile to come fully out of my shell and there are moments, even now, when I question whether I should raise my hand or speak out. But I know that in those moments I am using discernment, not out of fear of judgement but out of respect and prudence.
That was the beginning of the end for the tape in my head that feared judgement. That is what it boiled down to – I feared criticism and judgement. Now? I still do not want to bring shame to either my family or my faith, but I know who and whose I am. I am free to be me.
Eclectic Soup 